"Turn that Frown Upside Down"

Good morning and happy Tuesday everyone!!!!  Well today i am going to try and have a better day than i did yesterday - im sorry but I have to be honest - yesterday was not a good day - did you ever wake up and just feel "off" - well I did and i was plagued by Ed the entire day - i usually try and be positive as much as I can in all my posts because i want to help so many others that struggle but yesterday i just was plagued by GUILT!!!

  GUILT - yes that is the feeling i feel most when i am deep in my Ed.  I'm not sure why - i feel guilty when I am eating something i truly enjoy or if I am doing something for me, whether it be buying something i don't really need but just want or just relaxing or asking someone for help - all of these things make me feel guilty!!!

     I always want to look like the strong, independent, competent doctor who has no problems - but yesterday i just caved in.    Its funny - Ed makes me feel so guilty and fearful.  How does your Ed make you feel???

Well i decided to do some research on "guilt" - it comes from an old English word glyt - which means crime.  Sure, people usually feel guilty or remorse after committing a crime or something serious but people can also feel guilty whenever they go against what may be considered socially acceptable or going against the "norm".   What i found to be particularly interesting was that feelings of guilt are extremely common in perfectionists - people that continuously strive to be the best - this intense drive to succeed is taken to an extreme -

     People who are struggling with Ed - like me as well - tend to be perfectionists - type A personality.  We want everything in life to be perfect - well that is on the outside  - our weight,hair, clothes , job, social life - everything socially acceptable.  It is when we take this to the extreme we get deeply embedded in our Ed.  Coming to terms with these feelings of guilt and resolving issues is the only way we can begin our journey to recovery.

I think what is most important is realizing the life is not perfect - we will have good days and bad days, successes and failures, highs and lows - just as long as the positives exceed the negative can we be on the journey to recovery.

So how did my Monday pan out and how did I deal with these feelings of guilt???

Well I woke up and ate my usual breakfast of Kashi cereal and almond milk and had my 2 cups of blueberry tea to try and ease my mind.  

Then off to work it was - as the morning wore on I became increasingly more frustrated and just no myself.  Lunch came along and as I sat eating my favorite greek yogurt, Galaxy Granola and massive amounts of fruit the guilt was just unbearable.  So what did I do - i knew I had to do something so I called my best friend - my "peppermint life saver" - she too suffers from Ed and immediately upon her hearing my voice she knew something was wrong - what intuition!!!!She calmed me and I was able to eat my lunch but it was back to work and I was thinking about dinner!!!   Dinner was supposed to be one of my "fear" foods that I have successfully eaten 3 times in the past month - homemade whole wheat pizza with veggies.  Now i still remember about three weeks ago when I challenged myself to eating this and how much I enjoyed it - but guilty - again whenever I do something that I enjoy i feel guilty!!!!

Over and over in my head i contemplated whether to make the pizza or not - do i make it and eat it, enjoy it but have to feel guilty - or just eat something safer and let Ed win and then be even more terrified the next time I decide to eat this.  The verdict???  

 I  won and ate the pizza all due to one thing - again my "lifesaver" - i called here around 4pm told her the situation and she totally calmed me, made me realize that if I have to gain weight which I know is necessary i might as well eat things that I LIKE!!!!  Plus - homemade pizza is so healthy - i know all of the ingredients - whole wheat, tomatoes , grilled veggies and low- fat cheese!!

And you know what the best part was - she too made pizza for dinner!!!!!  Do you know how much that helped me - knowing that someone else was going to also eat a fear food and UNDERSTAND what i was going thru????   This to me was key - i wanted to share this with all of you who are struggling because i am so lucky to have someone who I can reach out to - i think this is integral to recovery.  Knowing that you are NOT alone, someone who understands.

And not being afraid to ask for help or to say that you are struggling.

I am so lucky to have found such a person and I hope that all of you can too.  I think the more we are in tune with our guilty feelings and realizing that we are WORTHY of making ourselves feel good and that not everyday is perfect can we truly see the "light at the end of the tunnel" 

Well i hope this post gave you all some insight - may today be filled with feelings of comfort, peace and love!!!!!!      xoxo aimee